I thought I was the father of all my children!
In some foreign cultures,
not so long ago, women entering into adulterous behaviour had their nose
cut off so the rest of the female community would know what to expect if
they broke their bond with their husband. Other cultures, still to this
day, disfigure their women if they even lay eyes on another man and thus
dishonour the family or the clan.
Centuries ago, women were
burnt as the witch-hunt we all have heard about used to be the usual and
customary. Fire was purifier of evil. Yes, women (and some men) have seen
and lived the full spectrum of tortures and overpowering attitudes common
to the ancient and non-evolved patriarchal society. So it was then.
As a woman, I am part of
a gender that was influenced forever as a result of those behaviours. Women's
lib is a reaction, a rebellion that was over due. However, I believe in
some cases, some of us have let it go way too far. Time has come for the
pendulum to swing back not only to a path of having rights and privileges
but mainly to a very profound sense of responsibility about the consequences
of our actions. Higher conscience always comes at the price of becoming
responsible and accountable. Justice and equality always require one to
be responsible for one’s own actions.
Lately, the medical world
through its great scientific discoveries and its newest findings, have
unravelled a myriad of possibilities for cures of all sorts. Amongst those
findings, the almost "bullet proof" reliability of DNA testing has helped
conquer numerous deadly diseases and solve many crimes. On the other hand,
all those wonderful discoveries have presented a key to unlock a secret
that some women thought safe forever. Let’s explore that new reality.
As a therapist and a long
time researcher in human behaviour, it appears a growing number of people
explore extra-marital sexual encounters in their life; it seems to have
become the "soup du jour". If an affair results in pregnancy, the woman
can go for an abortion, that is a decision she can make and that is the
end of it. But on the other hand, if after having the affair, she decides
to keep the baby and pass it along for her husband’s child, no one will
dispute it unless she opens up the secret or else the husband starts to
have a suspicion and goes to the lab with a simple swab of saliva from
the baby comparing it to his in order to discover the truth.
If the husband has any doubt
about his paternity, as we speak, he has 6 months after birth to contest
paternity; once that time elapsed, he is stuck to be accountable and responsible
for that child.
Let’s look at the usual
reactions from the courtroom in our so-called modern society. Forget wandering
eyes and adultery! That’s nothing! As I write these lines, in many states
and countries, a wife can bear children of a man (or men) not her husband
and what happens next is at her command!
She can divorce, kick him
out of “his family” and his home. She can then collect exorbitant spousal
maintenance (if the man is of means) and child support to spend without
accountability, she can secure a guaranteed college education for each
child, she can also collect half the marital assets; to top it off, she
will have deprived the father of his right to have his own genetic children.
How does our culture deal with her? She gets rewarded!
To this day, in spite of
the growing number of false paternity cases, the courts will close their
eyes to the entire situation with the excuse of being in the “best interest
of the children”. The children, for their own good, will be left with the
likes of this woman to be raised. And the man left on his own to mail cheques…
Some years ago, JAMA found
that 20% of their genetic testing resulted in finding the father was not
the biological father! Since early 2000, that number has jumped to 30%
in the States. Over the past 6 years, I started to research and try to
understand that phenomenon. I have gathered many testimonies from men over
the world that have been through such an ordeal of finding out one or more
of their children were not from them. They are frustrated, sad and angry.
They feel “raped” and violated to no end; and the court adds to the insult
by forcing them to pay the bill.
Not much has been done so
far to rectify this situation. In some location, steps have been taken,
as in the state of Georgia in May of 2001, following the constant efforts
of Carnell Smith and his group of men http://www.paternityfraud.com, who
also have been victims of identical facts. They finally saw a new law born.
“From then on, a woman who lies to her mate about his biological reality
regarding the children will be accused in criminal court.”
But Georgia is the exception.
I invite you to reflect on the consequences that our legal system creates
and promotes in overlooking such a rampant reality. Having a child born
in a marriage, fathered outside the couple is becoming a plague and the
detrimental consequences are unlimited.
Women engaging in such behaviour
may now feel secure with this situation because of the power they have
in the courtroom – but this arrangement has no place in a society that
wants to promote values that will stand the test of time. The long-term
solution cannot have at its core hiding the truth and infringing on the
fundamental rights of fathers.
There must be something
done in that regard. These men are real victims and ultimately, the children
as well. Whether their role has a grander, unknown and spiritual mission
than one can fathom, it is no reason to do nothing and just sit and watch
In a book filled with testimonies
of defrauded fathers all around the world, I propose many solutions. Some
will be booed by thousands of lawyers for they risk loosing a wonderful
money tree that divorce court secures for them, and at the same time, welcomed
by a majority of other lawyers who have shared their intimate thoughts
with me in agreeing that divorce should not be handled by any court as
we know it now in our society. The radical women’s lib will want to put
me in jail as well. I feel above such accusations.
I urge our society to investigate
the unintended results of our current laws and look for solutions that
will rectify the ongoing injustices. Right now, we promote a distorted
set of beliefs in handling the father’s legitimate right to bear and raise
his own children. From the outsider’s point of view, it would seem that
women enjoy all kinds of rights and these men end up with responsibility
of other consenting adults’ actions. As one of my correspondents shared
with me: “How come if a drunk driver smashes through my house I can sue
him and win and when another man sleeps with my wife and gets her pregnant,
I become responsible for him?”
History shows us how laws
had to be set in order to stop slavery of all kinds. No one would think
in our days of enslaving coloured people and whip them to work! Why does
anyone can think they can enslave non-biological fathers.
Dear Reader, I await your
comments and invite you to fill in the surveys that are linked to this
article. Your input is valuable to help me continue my research in that
One thing certain, you have
not finished hearing from me. In the meantime, I offer all my compassion
to those defrauded fathers and my sincere wish that those mothers finally
healed why and what led them to commit this inhumane act to defraud a man
of his child.
Go to the following link
and fill in the survey that is pertinent to your situation and help me
gather some more thoughts about how you feel this situation should be handled
in our society. I wrote a book for those who want to explore this reality
deeper. I have looked at the court system and the games that keep
on going, I have looked at the children who find out their truth and all
the ramifications such realities can engender.
The paternity secret may
be kept. But all too often, it is not. It may be discovered through a blood
type that does not match or an organ that cannot be donated. Ultimately,
the mother may not be able to keep the secret and finally let it out in
a drunken destructed moment. Someone in her close circle of secrecy may
violate the confidence. And how would it be if one day you discovered that
your spouse is half-sister or half-brother?
What would you wish to happen
if you found out you were that defrauded man?
Until my next article, I
wish you all the Blessings your heart desires!
Therapist – Author.